Ask yoga husband
Hi Yoga Husband,
I’m a guy and I like going to yoga class (for the yoga high, not for the babes), but I have to admit that most of the time I just feel stupid – I don’t have a clue what the hell the teacher is saying. Please help me figure out all this yoga speak!
I have good news and bad news. I’ll start with the good news: you’re not alone. Even the super-serious yogis in the class are not following the teacher’s yoga-speak. The bad news: I can’t help you understand it. Nobody can.
Let’s go over some of the most common sayings:
1. ‘Breathe into your sacrum… nourish your sacrum with your breath… feel your sacrum blossom with all the fresh oxygen it receives.’
My breath goes into my lungs and stops there. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that if my breath leaked out from my lungs, I’d have a pretty serious situation on my hands.
2. ‘Lie on your back, lift your sacrum in the air, and let your gallbladder gently massage your liver.’
Huh? How do I..? I don’t know how your body works, but mine doesn’t work like that. My insides are a messy, gooey pile of stuff that’s out of my sight and out of my control. If I could have any of my internal organs massaged it would be my prostate.
3. ‘Lengthen through your sacrum.’
Enough with the sacrum already! What is your obsession with my sacrum?! I haven’t seen anybody obsess over a body part so much since my high school locker room days.
4. ‘Look through your third eye.’
I don’t have a third eye. And if by third eye, you mean: “… a mystical and esoteric concept referring to a speculative invisible eye which provides perception beyond ordinary sight”, I don’t have that either.
5. ‘Stay in this pose for 5 breaths. Make sure you straighten your arms, but don’t over-extend them. Lift your spine away from your sacrum, and at the same time release all tension in your abdomen. Keep your legs straight in the air, and make sure you lift them by drawing energy from the Earth and not by contracting your muscles. Drop those shoulders away from the ears, release those facial muscles, and remember to keep your breaths long and deep.’
Listen lady, I’m just trying to keep up with the poses, okay? I’m in pain, I am sweating profusely, and you’re confusing the shit out of me.
So, my friend, don’t let the yoga speak throw you off. Keep going to classes, practice your asanas, and enjoy the babes.
Finally, I thought I’d share this parody of the Equinox yoga videos. It’s so good (watch the originals if you’re not familiar with them):
Hi Yoga Husband, I tried out yoga for the first time and my junk got squashed, what’s a man to do?
Dear squashed junk,
Good for you for trying out yoga. I’ve tried out yoga many times – about once every 6 months :)
There are a few poses that are indeed unfriendly to our man-junk, such as: Matsyendrasana, Bhujangasana, Dhanurasana (for our readers who haven’t tried yoga yet, don’t look up these poses if you’re squeamish).
Unfortunately there’s nothing you can really do about it. Let’s face it, yoga is not the only place where our bagpipe gets mistreated. There’s mountain biking, rodeo, book clubs… You just have to measure the benefits associated with what you’re doing versus the flattening of your Kosher pickle. For inspiration I found the following video of a 101 year old dude: