I know I should eat more greens (and eat less browns, especially deep-fried browns). I know ‘the time to relax is when you don’t have time for it’. I know ‘nobody ever regretted going to a yoga class’. I know all that, but sometimes that’s not going to happen, and in those dark moments of mine I want to be alone and as far away from yogis as possible. Why? Because real yogis intimidate the shit out of me. I feel like Gollum when I’m around these beautiful,flexible, hairless, yogis. This is why in the last 6 months I’ve been working on strategies that help me avoid yogis.

How to avoid yogis #1: Hit your local pub as soon as it opens. My pub opens at 11:30 am which is when yogis are either having their post-oatmeal nap, or are at home tweeting about how open they felt in their practice this morning. Go ahead and enjoy a saucy plate of chicken wings and a beer knowing you’re in a totally yogi-free zone. By the way, Frank’s Hot Sauce is considered a serving of vegetables. Right?
How to avoid yogis #2: Yogis love their coffee. BUT, they will only drink it at coffee shops that serve their kind of snacks (quinoa muffins, gluten-free brownies, etc). When I want some yogi-free me-time, I go to the authentic French coffee shop in my neighbourhood. They serve nothing but white flour and butter-based pastries. This coffee shop’s unapologetically decadent food keeps the yogis away. Merci mes amis!

All a yogi needs to do to totally ruin my day is walk by exactly when I am standing in line to order a Polish sausage from the hot dog stand. Let me set the scene for you: it’s the yogi with his/her perfect posture and light prance, versus me with my Quasimodo posture and my rabid-dog-like violent preoccupation with shoving some street meat into my face.

How to avoid yogis #3: Move out of: San Francisco, Seattle, New York, Portland, Vancouver, Asheville, Austin, Boulder, LA, Buenos Aires, Copenhagen, Tel Aviv, Salt Lake City, Sydney, Toronto, Tokyo, Goa, Mysore. And whatever you do, stay far away from Bali.
How to avoid yogis #4: You have to visit Walmart. Wall-to-wall mass-produced crap and not a yogi in sight. I usually go there when I need some quiet time early in the morning. They open at 7am… Where do yogis shop, you ask? Yogis buy directly from friends who ‘just brought 10 of these from India’.
How to avoid yogis #5:When all else fails, I just go out after 10:30 pm. All the yogis are sound asleep having nightmares about that hairy guy who insists on practicing shirtless.

I hope this post was useful to you, my fellow yoga husbands. Until next time, remember: love requires flexibility.