My wife goes to an Ayurvedic ‘doctor’ every few weeks. He tells her some made-up nonsense which she gladly believes. Here is the conversation we had after her most recent appointment with him:
Yoga Wife: I saw the Ayurvedic doctor today. He gave me some pills for you.
Yoga Husband: You went to see him to talk about my problems? I’m sorry, I really don’t have energy for this. Can we pretend you didn’t just come in and say that, and I will continue watching Fallon?
Yoga Wife: I knew you would make a fuss about it.
Yoga Husband: This is not a fuss. This is me hoping this whole thing will go away. Very different from making a fuss. If you want, I’ll be more than happy to make a huge fuss about you interrupting Fallon because you brought me some cardamom pills from your buddy who took a correspondence course in Ayurveda over the summer.
Yoga Wife: This is so frustrating! I just don’t get why you insist on not taking care of yourself.
Yoga Husband: What are you talking about? I take excellent care of myself: I trimmed my armpit hair the other day. I also wash my balls with that netti pot of yours.
Yoga Wife: THAT IS NOT FOR YOUR BALLS!!!
Yoga Wife: Let’s… Let’s not talk about your balls right now. I’m talking about you not taking care of your health. You know what I mean… the phlegm.
Yoga Husband: What the phlegm are talking about?
Yoga Wife: I hate it when you’re being difficult on purpose. I’m talking about your phlegm.
Yoga Husband: My phlegm?
Yoga Wife: Yes. You’re very phlegmy. You know it and I know it, but for some reason you’d rather ignore it than take care of it. It’s all the processed food you eat. It makes you phlegmy.
Yoga Husband: Okay, so what? A little phlegm never killed anyone.
Yoga Wife: Well a little pranayama exercises won’t kill you either. But you’re too lazy to do pranayama, so I brought you these pills. They don’t require any work – you just throw them down your beer hole. Okay?
Yoga Husband: Fine. I’ll take the pills. You’re lucky you married a guy who’d put anything in his mouth.
Yoga Wife: That sounds wrong in too many ways…
Yoga Husband: Can I ask though, what kind of Ayurvedic doctor prescribes pills to someone he didn’t examine or meet? I’m guessing the answer is ‘a quack with no experience or professional ethics’, but I’d love to hear your point of view on this.
Yoga Wife: He says you’re a textbook case, so he doesn’t need to examine you.
Yoga Husband: So we can assume he read at least one textbook. I take everything I said about him back then. So, do I take these pills before or after I do my morning meditation?
Yoga Wife: You’re going to start doing meditation??
Yoga Husband: Absolutely. Meditation, Ayurvedic pills, and 45 minutes of colonic cleansing. This is going to be my morning routine. I’m also quitting my job and embarking on a journey to become a visual artist.
Yoga Wife: Are you being sarcastic?
Yoga Husband: Yes.
Yoga Wife: So are you going to take the pills?
Yoga Husband: No.