The Costs of Yoga You Might Not Know About

So I order a pizza from Domino’s (I know, the epitome of yogic nourishment) and guess what – they charge me a f*&#ing delivery fee! Did you know about this? Am I the only one who thinks that ‘delivery’ is what they specialize in? They definitely don’t specialize in good pizza… This Domino’s incident inspired me to write about other unexpected costs – specifically, the hidden/unexpected costs of yoga, so that you, my fellow yoga husbands, will have a better picture of the real costs of your wife’s yoga habit. Consider yourself warned.

  1. Everything organic/local/fair trade/artisanal/etc. – this cost is an obvious one in the world of yoga, so I wanted to get it out of the way first. My yoga wife went to this organic/local/fair trade/artisanal urban supermarket yesterday to grab some things for dinner (they actually call themsleves a ‘food market’, a supermarket is for regular people). She comes back from the store telling me how great the store is and how it’s not expensive at all. REALLY? Not expensive as in Walmart, or as in ‘not more expensive than Whole Foods’? I hate to break it to you: when your yoga wife says ‘not expensive’ she means the latter.
  2. Mindfulness classes/books/sessions – mindfulness is big right now; learning how to be mindful, live mindfully, think mindfully, eat mindfully, shit mindfully. Your yoga wife will pay for mindfulness classes and workshops. The thing is, ‘mindfulness’ is such a general and vague premise that your yoga wife is powerless in the face of it. Whoever came up with it is a marketing genius. Maybe I should come up with a new ‘thing’… oooh… oooh… I got it – ‘Awarenessness’. Oh my god – I just googled it and it exists! No worries, I’ll call it: ‘Awarenessnessness’. Awernessnessness – the path to more awarenessness. Coming soon to a yoga studio near you.
  3. Yoga tights – she will buy the cheap ones every once in awhile, but only to prove to you that they don’t cut it. In fact, she will tell you, they rip every time she goes into dwi pada sirsasana, which provides an unobstructed view of her hoo-haa (is there a pose called hoo-haasana?).
  4. Workshops – this is a true hidden cost of yoga because your yoga wife will not even tell you about the various workshops she signed up for. This is not something that’s up for debate. She has to go to the tantra-kirtan-meditation workshop because it’s taught by this teacher from L.A. who’s famous for her tantra-kirtan-meditation workshops. Oh, and also, the teacher from L.A. is 85 years old so she won’t be teaching workshops for much longer. Try arguing with that…
  5. Almonds – lots and lots of almonds. Why? Because, your yoga wife will tell you, making almond milk at home is healthy, easy, and economical. What she’s not telling you is that she’s buying fair-trade, organic almonds that cost $50 per 100 gram. I didn’t need an Excel spreadsheet to figure out that this makes each glass of home-made almond milk cost about… $50.

I could go on and on, but I believe in brevity. And I feel like my yoga wife is not going to love this post.

Screw it I can’t restrain myself. An honorable mention goes to: organic towels, organic sheets, water filtration systems, constant supply of coconut water, spa visits, regular massages, regular visits to the osteopath, an endless supply of Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap, ultra-high-end coffee beans, and lots and lots of yoga books.

Until next time, shanti shanti to you my fellow yoga husband. Remember: love requires flexibility.