I’m a morning person and I like to wake up early. I find 6:30 a.m. to be just right – not too early, and not too late. However, my yoga wife sees 4:30 a.m. as ‘just right’. Her morning routine is my alarm clock:

1. Heaving Gorilla

I am first woken up at 5 a.m. by the first stage of my yoga alarm clock: loud, gorilla-like grunting coming from downstairs. HOOOO… HOOOO… HOOOO… I am disoriented for a second or two. Is it mating season already? She says it’s her ‘grounding meditation.’ I wonder what it’s good for, this meditation, besides, of course, making your husband think that there’s a week of non-stop mating ahead of him.

She insists that it’s a great practice for when you’re not feeling grounded. Based on that, she’ll be grunting like a great ape every day for the rest of her life…

2. Grrrrrrrrinding

I toss and turn and manage to fall asleep again, but then I hear the second yoga alarm clock: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… – I recognize this sound. My wife is blending her morning green smoothie. ‘Can you keep it down?’, I yell. ‘Sorry’ she responds. ‘I made a little extra. I’ll leave you some in a jar.’ Great. She’s going to leave me some of that repugnant mixture of laxatives. Hopefully it’ll unclog the pipes when I pour it down the drain.

3. Fresh Beans

The third stage of the yoga alarm clock is the damn coffee grinder. God, I hate that coffee grinder. Bzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeee…. bzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeee… bzzzz… bzzz… bz… bz… She likes her beans freshly ground. Can you blame her? When I’m finally up, I walk downstairs to discover that she didn’t leave me any coffee. She is surprised to see me: ‘why are you up so early?’