The Yoga Wife and I are lucky to have our own place. It’s lovely and spacious, and we’re very happy with it, but we’ll be needing more space soon because… we’re expecting!!! No, no, no. We’re not expecting a baby. We’re expecting to endlessly accumulate a shit-ton of supplements until they fill every drawer, cupboard, and closet in our apartment, leaving us with no room for life’s actual necessities. They’re everywhere – in the kitchen cupboards, the bedside table, the pantry, the bathroom, her purse, the fridge, the car. I wonder – do you get paid for participating in ‘Hoarders’? Asking for a friend…
It usually starts with something benign like fish oil, and before you know it she starts slipping down the slippery slope of supplements and starts taking garlic capsules for morning chills, homeopathic pellets for night sweats, a Chinese compound to speed up her ‘Qi’, Kava root to slow down her metabolism, biotin for hair growth, Sri Lankan oil for hair removal, alfalfa tea to get her system going in the morning, and Mexican Marigold to sooth the stomach pain caused by the alfalfa tea.
But here’s the thing, Yoga Wife: your supplements don’t work. All those herbs, homeopathy, essential oils, epsom salts, medicinal teas, tinctures, and concoctions do absolutely nothing.
How do I know this, you ask? I know this because I have half a brain. I know this because I share a house with you. You still get a cold every winter, you still get gassy when you drink coffee, your chronic constipation hasn’t gone away, your liver is anything but cleansed (courtesy of a Mr. Cabarnet Franc), and none of the supplements you take will get you any closer to pulling off Kapotasana. You’re not cured, you’re not fixed, you’re not immune to anything. You’re just like the rest of us. The difference between you and all of us, though, is that you keep buying this crap.
‘Hold on, Yoga Husband, you’re totally missing the point. The supplements might actually be working. We don’t know if I would have been worse without them.’
Oh, Yoga Wife, this logic is as flawed as your handstand. Are you seriously telling me that your whole approach to taking supplements is based on the ‘who knows’ and ‘why not give it a shot’ doctrines? It’s like believing that doing bench presses will make your boobs bigger. Five years into it and you’re an A cup, but you’re still at it. Who knows, you say. Why not give it a shot?
So what the hell is going on here? Why are yogis so into quacky medicine?
There’s a pretty simple explanation – it’s tough to be a Yoga Girl. All this stretching and bending makes them hyper-aware of their body and its various imperfections. This, in turn, makes them susceptible to promises of curing every single one of these shortcomings.
But let’s face it, Yoga Girl, you’re taking all these supplements in an effort to fix yourself. You’re trying to be perfect. Cut it out. That’s not the point of Yoga, and it’s not what Patanjali teaches. Heck – you have a tattoo on your wrist that says ‘Accept Yourself’, so how about you start listening to your tattoos? Here’s an idea – get a tattoo on the other wrist that says ‘Read Tattoo on Other Hand…’
But there’s good news. I have a solution for you, Yoga Girl. A cleanse. I know, I know – you love cleanses, but heads up… you’re not going to like this one. Here’s what you do: grab an extra large garbage bag, go through every room in your home, and throw all those supplements into the bag. Put the bag in the trunk of your Prius, and drive your shitty Prius into the nearest lake. This is going to be the first cleanse you’ve done that’s actually going to work. You’ll feel better within three months. Who knows. Why not give it a shot?